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A friend would understand. There is always tomorrow/next week. You should be celebrating your friends every day, not just their birthday.
The date doesn’t matter, the person does.
“nobody wants to work anymore” energy.
I know some people like that, and it’s exhausting. They want support and want to vent, but when it’s time to do the reverse they will have an excuse. Then they wonder why they rotate through friends quickly.
This is when comes the part everybody likes talking about but nobody likes doing, you gotta set boundaries. I had a ton of friends like that who would vent to me and then never do the inverse, so one time I just straight up told a friend who did this to me to not talk about her problems with me if she didn’t want to solve them. Saying I was sick of hearing her complain to me and if she did, then I’d turn my brain off and become a wall.
You gotta do that. Friendships can be difficult like any relationship and these are going to be needed. You can’t have a relationship with no boundaries. I’ve tried. They don’t work ever. So long as your friends are willing to respect them or at least try to, you might have something good. Have these difficult and awkward talks with your friends. It’ll honestly make your friendships stronger and better.
You’re not wrong, necessarily, but how did it work out for that relationship afterward? Did she become a better friend? Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth the effort. It doesn’t feel like a lot but many of us are problematically conflict-averse so it is a lot of effort in that way. If the “friend” in question isn’t presenting much value to me as a friend, I’m probably not going to invest a lot of effort into improving the relationship, especially if I have other, better options. Maybe that’s mean in its own way but then again, it’s just a different kind of setting boundaries, I suppose.
Yeah, it worked out good. I’m not gonna say it easn’t a rocky road to get there. It did take a lot of awkward conversations, but I feel we’re better off now.
If I push through it and ignore my needs, I will have a meltdown and that’s no fun for anybody. That being said, my friends are a priority and I’ll always be there for them as long as I’m physically able.
But I am le tired.
Well then have a nap
THEN FIRE Z MISSILES!!
cigarette first
This is why I avoid friendships with most people, they seemingly come with such long list of expectations that are completely unmanageable for me.
You have to nurture friendships with care. That looks different for everyone. But if you don’t ever show up, don’t reciprocate energy etc…the other person is going to feel that. It is a hurtful and draining experience for the other person over the long term. I’ve heard the term “energy vampire” which is one way these kinds of paradigms end up. I’ll always pivot for a friend because Ive made that kind of relationship a priority.
If I’m invited I’m 100% going, I just don’t get invited
We all have to thread the needle between showing up and maintaining our relationships and caring for ourself and not overdoing it.
That balance is unique to each of us. Do your best.
I liked having friends when I was a kid. Being friends with adults is complicated and exhausting.
I gave up.
I don’t think the reasons why matter all that much. If someone’s not coming to the shared experiences (a party, a get together, a nice chat, whatever) then they’re not paying into the relationship.
Ah. I see. How much money do you want for me to skip the birthday party?
Metaphorically paying in some other way - skip the party, but spend time together in some other way - can sustain the relationship.
I am friends with people I do things with.
By never doing things I avoid having friends.
It’s really quite nice.
Because classmate is not a friend?
For sure not with that outlook lmao
Whether or not I’m a good friend also depends on the friend’s needs. If their needs are like mine, then they’ll probably be content with what I’m ready to offer. If not, that’s okay. Can’t be everyone’s friend anyway.
Any idea what the difference is between just saying that about the social batteries, because one simply doesn’t care and those batteries being really empty, due to mental health struggles? Would you tell Christine Miserandino to “just be a friend”, when she explains that she is not able to come? And please don’t tell me, that that is different, because Lupus is a real Illness, whereas mental illnesses …
The difference is what you do around it.
Friend’s birthday is coming up next week, and they care about you and you wanna show you care about them? Well the day before (or whatever timeline you need), you don’t do anything that drains your batteries, or do things to recharge them, so that when it’s time to go to the party, the battery is full.
If we’re gonna treat social as a limited resource, then being a good friend means spending that resource on them. If we give it a number, then let’s say a birthday gift costs 50. It doesn’t matter if your battery holds 100 or 100, save 50 for the party.
I have a relative who does the battery thing, and the key thing that puts them in the “doesn’t care” category despite a mental disorder that absolutely qualifies them for the battery analogy, is they just don’t spend their battery unless it’s a benefit to them. They won’t spend it on one of their friends unless it’s one of like, 2 specific people, so it’s an excuse.
Exactly, you can pick your priorities.
Well, have you read the linked spoon theory? I ended a friendship once by not going to their birthday. I did nothing unavoidable and there was no option, no priority (unless loosing your normal even already part time job would be a valid option for you, to go to such a party) given. Yet still I hadn’t the energy left.
You’re supposed to sacrifice. Show up for them, stay awhile, do your best to have a good time. Even if you’re drained.
It was not that I would have been drained, no:
- I was, back then, simply — not — able — to — show up!
I really hope, that you never find yourself under such conditions, like (just as an example) depression can put you into, but “show up to them” was an option, as easily realised as if I tell somebody who’s paraplegic to just stand up and walk.
Again, I don’t complain, that that ended a possible friendship (or even more maybe). I fully understood and still understands it. But it was simply not in my range, to just "show up. It might be hard to believe me there, but that’s all I can say about it.
This is insane. Friendships can’t always be sacrifice, they have to be beneficial as well.
A friend who doesn’t understand that birthday parties aren’t your scene, but you’ll make time to see them in a quieter setting? Maybe they aren’t the right friend.
A friend who is going through a crisis? That’s the time to sacrifice to help them. Not to go to a party that is supposed to be fun. If you aren’t going to have fun there, why would a friend want you to go?
lol your friends want you to come and fake it even if you’re drained? They don’t sound like good friends then.
The difference is what you do around it.
Friend’s birthday is coming up next week, and they care about you and you wanna show you care about them? Well the day before (or whatever timeline you need), you don’t do anything that drains your batteries, or do things to recharge them, so that when it’s time to go to the party, the battery is full.
Have you read the story in my link? Getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, putting on clothes, leaving the house (because your boss do not accept a “no” regarding his demands for you to work today, and you need that job to pay your bills [or debts even]), etc. already costs. For a normal person, this would maybe count as recharge, if you skip yoga and pilates orders food instead of cooking yourself (if you have the money to do so, that is to say). For me on my bad days, this isn’t recharging, but going way over my limits. Plus one can have good or bad days and believe that it’ll be fine only to wake up, when the birthday is and … “shit”!
Believe me! I’ve been there and I’ve done that (loosing a persons friendship, because it was simply impossible to follow their invitation and celebrate that day with them together. It isn’t that easy, if your (here mental) health isn’t “normal”, as it may seem to you.
If we give it a number, then let’s say a birthday gift costs 50. It doesn’t matter if your battery holds 100 or 100, save 50 for the party.
And if your battery, without doing anything else, is at 10 or 20 … whilst the party costs 50? That was my situation, where a could be friendship ended.
[…] they just don’t spend their battery unless it’s a benefit to them. They won’t spend it on one of their friends unless it’s one of like, 2 specific people, so it’s an excuse.
Well, I have zero friends nowadays. So no excuse here. Plus I know of people whom, by their lack of friends, are going insane/suicidal, so I doubt them to only be presenting excuses there as well.
That’s still the difference. I also feel spent and use the battery analogy in my day to day life. My “capacity” is pretty decent, I can afford things, but I have to manage it, and yeah, so much is a cost, even things you’d never expect.
If we say a party costs 50 and your battery is at 20, that sucks. That relative I mentioned has been suicidal over this, and its entirely possible that their inability to manage that battery is directly caused by their mental health struggles, too. I’m not claiming they’re a bad person, when I say they’re a bad friend. I’m saying they aren’t going to be there for those that call them “friend”. It has absolutely been a lifelong struggle for them, and that sucks, but they cannot do it. I cannot power a laptop with a standard phone charger, even if they’re both USB-C, and this person I know isn’t a good friend outside of a very small group they have.
I don’t mean to sound like a dick when I say that, everyone’s different and we have different struggles, different things take a different amount of battery or take more or less spoons.
The issue of “how do you tell if someone’s running on empty or just not willing to put energy into it?” is a whole separate issue than “this costs more battery than I have when fully charged”. The solution to the first, is managing your charge. The answer to the second, I dunno. To me, that feels like the mental health equivalent of asking if this mole looks cancery online, and if I was in that situation, I’d be seeing a therapist or a med manager about it. Not saying you haven’t tried or anything, I’m just saying I don’t know the answer to that, and I have the feeling the answer is way deeper than someone on the internet will be able to go. I sincerely hope things go well for you, though.
My questions were rather rhetorical, as I too doubt, that one can easily distinguish between those with low batteries and those who may only claim to have low batteries (which is why opposed the “just be a friend” request from the top post in the first place. “Just be a friend” is not always that simple).
I wasn’t “really” asking for advice or the like. Sorry if I made the expression. I was rather just trying to speak on other peoples behalf. Thanks nevertheless for the good wishes.
In a case like that, just plan to go for 30 minutes. Just making the effort to show up goes a long way. You’ll find that often you end up staying longer and it’s fine, because the hard part all along was passing through the door.
Sometimes, if you want to nurture friendships, you need to let your battery go negative sometimes.
You have to understand that on some days, even leaving the house or writing a message is impossible. I don’t think it’s possible to understand the impossibility until you’ve gone through the same.
Was in that situation and nope … 30 minutes would have not even been the travel to them and even if I had lived next door to them: I would not have been able to make it there for 30 minutes. I accept that they never invited me to anything again and that we are not in contact any more (for other reasons as well) and I understand their response, but still: I was not able to!
I think it’s mostly about the imbalance. If you struggle with mental health and have very limited capacity for social interaction then you can’t have a bunch of close friends because friendships require effort to maintain them.
In general this is an issue of our time because we have to deal with a lot of information and communication in our day to day life (specifically work) so there’s not much juice/battery/spoons/whatever-you-want-to-call-it left at the end of the day.
My parents would always tell me about how much harder their schedules were when they had to feed cattle and clean barns all day but those are physical tasks. They’d go socialize after all this work because their brains were craving it and ignoring some sore muscles is easier than ignoring a sore brain.
Agreed, and since I do not crave for friendship or social interaction, I’m even fine with not having any friends. Yet there are still those who do crave for friendships, whilst simply not having the energy to invest into them adequately. And for those I still feel sorry. Because of what I see: it doesn’t make things easier for them.
Nah you’re right. I have this ‘social battery’ thing, and I am a very good friend. In fact being with my friends doesn’t drain my battery at all (except a couple of them when they get their hands on some substances, but that’s another matter), and when there’s an occasion that could be specially draining (like a birthday with many people I don’t know, noise/loud music, or whatever) I would do some preparations to keep the battery charged beforehand. For a birthday, if they are only a classmate and not really a friend I might very well pass, tho.
That ‘nobody wants to BE a friend’ oozes the same entitlement that ‘nobody wants to work’. If your ‘friends’ don’t want to go to your birthday it is, very likely, because you’re a cunt and a bad friend yourself, Kari, and they were trying to be polite with the battery excuse.
Yes, some people just won’t understand and make faulty assumptions when they refuse your explanations.
