I’ve gone my whole life (I’m 35) NOT thinking I was trans but now I do, wtf am I supposed to do with this? How do I find out for sure? Am I allowed to be a trans lesbian because I’m not attracted to men? Can I even come out, when it will ruin my whole life? I’m jealous of the youth, being old sucks.
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I also transitioned later in life, I highly recommend it.
Particularly I recommend estrogen injections and some method of blocking testosterone - this is what had the most profoundly positive impact for me, personally. (In the end, an orchi ended up being necessary for me, I never found a method with just HRT that perfectly blocked the testosterone and gave me a stable mood - I loved high doses of estrogen, but it did make me feel more which was not always adaptive, and my body seemed to occasionally produce enough testosterone that I became depressed and cloudy-headed, etc. - symptoms that went away after my orchi. That doesn’t seem to be everyone’s experience though, so your mileage may vary.)
wtf am I supposed to do with this?
well, now is a good time to find a therapist (ideally someone who is well qualified, with a PhD in psychology) who has worked with other trans patients and who is also trans-affirming
How do I find out for sure?
Depends on how “for sure” is “for sure” - there is no blood test, and as far as I know, no objective way to be certain you are trans. However, if you have a desire to be a woman but you were assigned male at birth, that sounds pretty trans. The therapist should help rule out edge cases.
A common test is to consider whether you would press a button that will permanently change you into a woman. Usually cis men would not want to press the button.
Also, another way to get clear on being sure is to consider the “null hypothesis”, if you aren’t trans, then you have to be cis. Cis men don’t generally question or think about their gender, they are happy in a male body, they are comfortable with he/him pronouns being used for them, titles like “Mister” don’t bother them, they are happy wearing men’s clothes, adjectives like “handsome” don’t feel wrong, etc. - for me it was clear I wasn’t a cis man, so that made it more clear that I was probably a trans woman (in addition to the fact that I wish I had just been born as a woman, I felt like it was obvious anyone would feel this way, which made it hard for me to recognize cis men really do exist who don’t wish they were women).
Am I allowed to be a trans lesbian because I’m not attracted to men?
Yes, there are many trans lesbians - I’m bi, but I am mostly interested in women, so I consider myself a lesbian. (It may feel weird to use that label now, but I found transitioning and embodying womanhood more helped me feel more comfortable identifying that way - acceptance takes time).
Can I even come out, when it will ruin my whole life?
Yes, absolutely you can come out - but whether it will ruin your life is somewhat contextual. Trans women do experience lots of discrimination and unemployment - you might lose your job, so be smart. If your job is not trans friendly, you might not come out at work, or you might begin to look to change jobs to a workplace that is more trans friendly. A path plenty of trans women take is to start estrogen and transition secretly, and then socially transition once they pass. This can give a chance to organize the social transition so it is less disruptive, and to “cut over” into a new life as a woman full-time.
However, that’s not how I did it at all - I socially transitioned as soon as my egg cracked, and I wasn’t able to access hormones for months and it was excruciating. I socially transitioned up front because I thought social transition was a practical step I could take that might help me, and so that I would force myself out of the closet and not be tempted to never transition as a result.
I didn’t lose my spouse, my job or any friends, but I did lose some family (mostly people who weren’t the best to me before I transitioned, tbh - but it still hurts). I might be a bit unusually lucky in this regard.
I’m jealous of the youth, being old sucks.
people transition at all ages - I have a friend IRL who transitioned in her 40s (and who looks great and is much happier, despite losing her marriage). There are trans people who transition even later in life, in their 70s even. It’s never too late to transition.
I thought I would never pass because of how old I was when I transitioned, but within a year I was passing. It varies heavily, but you don’t know how you will look, you have to walk the walk and see.
But yeah, being “old” sucks (the only thing worse is waiting and transitioning even later)
See also: !translater@lemmy.blahaj.zone
Some resources for you:
- Gender Dysphoria Bible
- Transition Channel videos (these videos cracked my egg and made me seriously consider I might really be trans)
- Whipping Girl by Julia Serano (and Sexed Up as well)
- Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet
- “What Does the Scholarly Research Say about the Effect of Gender Transition on Transgender Well-Being?”
- An Introduction to Hormone Therapy for Transfeminine People
If you’re in the US, bad timing.
being old sucks.
You’re not old 🙂
Look at it this way: at your age, it’ll be much easier to come out if you have to.
I am in the US so that sucks
I’m so sorry
I’m a transgender woman in NY. Honestly, with all the support systems in place, I couldn’t think of a better place to live. Insurance covers gender-affirming care and all of my doctors are simply amazing. I count my blessings daily.
at your age, it’ll be much easier to come out if you have to.
Probably won’t though on account of the whole “being a coward” thing lmfao
Another trick is to crossdrews (maybe start off around accepting people) and just see how it feels and if you keep going and feel better that way, you are probably trans and your friends will probably catch on without you having to explain yourself. That’s what I did, I didn’t even come out to most of them directly, I just eventually changed my pronouns on name tags and told my closer friends first.
Don’t beat yourself up. I don’t think coming out is ever easy. But if you have to, it’s much harder if you’re a minor and/or not mature and settled in life with nothing to prove to anybody.
You don’t have to come out to everyone at once. I started out with my closest friends 4 years ago, went on with my parents a year later, extended family another year later, and my coworkers just this week. Take your time, you can do this.
i transitioned at 35 and i would recommend it. i started seeing a therapist and got into a group session with her with other trans ppl at various stages of transition and it helped a lot so i definitely recommend that if available. i think i started therapy in july and was starting on hrt in december (and i didn’t even expect that since i was expecting i had to wait a year before it but my therapist suggested fenway health).
Hey there =)
It’s nice that you may have found yourself! Despite all the anti-trans programming that you have probably endured in your life (I am in my 30s as well and have transitioned for only a year now, so I might now a bit about it too) you have decided to go the first step towards finding out who you are: Questioning the status quo and the erroneous null-hypothesis, that everybody is cis.
It took me years to accept that I am in fact trans femme and even when I started with HRT, I wasn’t entirely sure until I felt the changes, both mentally and physically.
How do I find out for sure?
Well, do you want to be a girl? Then click here: https://turnmeintoagirl.com/ It’s that easy!
Also, I can really recommend Doc Impossible’s blog. A couple of choice entries: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/how-to-figure-out-if-youre-trans
https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/part-one-a-webcomic
Am I allowed to be a trans lesbian because I’m not attracted to men?
Absolutely you are.
Can I even come out, when it will ruin my whole life?
This one is tricky. I thought it would ruin my life and I thought that people would hate me and that randos on the street would threaten me and… nothing of the sort has happened. Turns out most people are quite normal in the real world in that they do not turn into raging transphobes when they have an actual trans person in their lives. Most people on the street won’t even care. It does of course matter where exactly you live. Trust your instincts to keep you safe. Moving to a more progressive area might be necessary.
I’m jealous of the youth, being old sucks.
I had these exact thoughts friend. Turns out, I was just afraid of being ugly, because I am old. Which is of course a heavy heap of internalized misogyny (aka. women can’t be >30 and be pretty). Took me a while to clean my head of such non-sense and now I think I am quite attractive. For the first time in my life mind you.
Now I have a question for you!
What do you want us to call you? Do you have a name in mind? What do you think would feel good? =)
EDIT: Be warned, the link still makes me cry it turns out haha
EDIT2: Oh, also watch the movie “I saw the TV glow” and see how that one makes you feel :3 Be warned tho. Very emotional.
I can also recommend the “how to figure out if you’re trans” stainedglasswoman article. It’s not perfect because no test will every be able to perfectly capture your gender identity, but when I was trying to figure out whether I was trans or not it was way more helpful than any of the gender quizzes I tried.
(Side note: I hate how many of the “am I trans” quizzes have questions like “Do you consider your gender identity to be different than your assigned gender” and similar. Like, if I knew the answer I wouldn’t have been doing quizzes like that in the first place lol)
Wow what a great response thank you 💜
a year ago i found out i am trans. i turned 35 in the meantime. i felt myself for the first time. this connection is now largely buried ind everday shit again, but i never felt so directly what i wanted. if you think you are old now (which is debateble, but i know the brain worms), what would you say in 1, 5, 10 years? use your time to be yourself. explore yourself now. find out what you need and want now rather than next year. :)
there will be troubles big and small. but it get’s better.
Thank you for that I needed it
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the problem with giving the advice of not transitioning because of the political situation is that there is a very real risk of not surviving the closet … the situation in the U.S. is not yet at the point where you will be imprisoned for being trans, but the risks of suicide are very real if you don’t transition (both in my experience, but also just by the numbers)
I think it’s smart to stay stealth, to not be “loud and proud” right now, etc. - but I absolutely think it’s important to start estrogen and not risk your life by continuing to live with the wrong sex hormones.
Also, it needs to be said: a closeted trans girl is still a trans girl. I am noticed and targeted less for my gender post-transition (despite having transitioned later in life like OP, and only been on hormones for less than two years) than I was pre-transition.
Pre-transition, I was an effeminate “man” and seemed gay, and I struggled to conform to life as a man. Being markedly queer that way put me at risk, but as a woman I’m entirely normal and nobody notices me - I am finally gender conforming in a real sense.
It can absolutely be safer for you to live as a woman when you’re a woman, and less safe to live as a closeted woman pretending to be a man.
Still, the risks are there, especially in that early transition period - my point is just that being closeted isn’t necessarily safer as commonly assumed. (It’s also a matter of urgency, starting estrogen sooner vs later - you’re asking someone to wait years to get medical help because the U.S. might end up following through with its genocidal promises? At that point the trans people won’t be the only unsafe ones, queer communities in general will be unsafe, and getting out of the country will be crucial. Dealing with that situation with the wrong sex hormones in your body will only make everything worse, tbh.)
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When you get a diagnosis it doesn’t add you to any global list, and it is not disclosed to the government. The diagnosis is a record, but it’s a private medical record in the doctor’s local information system. For the government to get access, they are having to subpoena records from hospitals - so they might be able to get this information eventually, but currently they are only seeking the medical records of hospitals providing gender affirming care for minors.
DOGE having social security records does give the potential to target people who have changed their gender marker - and the federal government can do the same with passports. There are many ways the government can and will surveil and target their enemies & scapegoats - so don’t get me wrong, risks clearly exist.
But getting your medical needs taken care of is a high priority, and doctors are even finding different diagnostic codes (and even deleting patient records) to protect their patients. There are also options like DIY HRT.
Regardless, we don’t know where this is going or how long it will take for concrete risks to finally surface.
I don’t know if you remember what it was like when your egg cracked, but when my egg cracked it was an extremely vulnerable and scary moment - definitely not a time when it would have helped me to have someone’s anxieties about the political situation shared.
I was already scared enough to transition for so many other reasons, it is always very hard to make the decision to transition and there are very few supportive voices advocating that people get the help they need (or even framing transition as helpful, so often it’s reduced to “expression” and about “living authentically” - the medical consequences being entirely stripped from the context).
Obviously OP has some hard choices to make, and it’s not obvious what the right answer is for them. If they live in the U.S., the state they live in makes a big difference in how safe it is to transition and whether their medical care will be protected or not, for example.
Whether they have supportive people in their life to help, whether they have a spouse and kids, and so many other factors will play into what steps they feel they can take - but I want to be careful and not send the wrong message.
What we know, empirically, is that transitioning is the only clinically feasible option, that it is low risk and has great outcomes, and finding a path to medical and social transition is important for a trans person’s health, even in times of oppression.
Even as recently as the 1970s there were laws criminalizing crossdressing in this country; trans people have been transitioning for a long time under objectively worse laws and criminalization. It’s important we support one another, and that we provide the evidence and reasoning in favor of transition to counteract the default transphobic social context. The pressure to be in the closet is already very strong, as a matter of harm reduction it’s important to arm people with the facts about the clinically preferable alternatives.
I’m going to delete my comments. You’re right about everything. I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry too, this is such a scary and hard time. 🫂
I came out at 41, and that was close to 10 years ago!
Age won’t stop you :)
Hi. Transbian here. Nothing says you have to like men
Transbian high five!
I’m older than you and recently came to the same conclusion. Also only attracted to women/feminine presenting NB/particularly cute Femboys. The lesbian community is very accepting of trans women.
I’m assuming if your life was making you happy, you wouldn’t be questioning your gender. I personally have all the things people normally strive for (house, car family, good health etc) and was still miserable.
The best way to know for sure is to imagine yourself transitioning and not transitioning and see which scenario makes you happier.
Hi there! Thanks for stopping by <3
wtf am I supposed to do with this?
I recommend transitioning. You’ll feel a lot better.
How do I find out for sure?
If you think you are, you almost certainly are. But really, why worry about labels? The key question is, what do you want to do about it?
If it helps, the thing that made me absolutely certain was trying to imagine how I’d feel if I was actually a woman born and raised in a male vessel. Apart from being exactly what I was feeling, allowing myself to think of myself as a woman (even just hypothetically) felt so good I didn’t want to stop.
Am I allowed to be a trans lesbian because I’m not attracted to men?
Sure! You’re welcome to be a lesbian if you want.
Can I even come out, when it will ruin my whole life?
Ultimately it’s your decision. You’ve probably already considered the worst-case scenario if you do, but people can surprise you. It probably won’t be that bad!
Besides, you’ll get to be a woman for the rest of your life. Isn’t that worth a few awkward conversations?
I’m jealous of the youth, being old sucks.
Yeah, I know. I came out at 39. You can’t change the past, but you can change the future! Pick the path that will bring you the most joy. Plus, trans people frequently end up looking shockingly youthful. Like, spookily so. There is still time.
Good luck!
Im a trans lesbian & its absolutely ok! Despite my understanding of my gender changing a lot, my sexuality stayed almost the exact same before & after coming out.
I highly recommend looking into a supportive therapist to talk things through & figure out how you want to handle your feelings & possible transition. One thing I’ll say for sure is that I thought it would ruin my life too, but I’m happier than ever & the people that showed up for me when I came out are closer to me than ever. Felt like I could finally breathe again when I started transitioning
Perhaps buy some feminine clothes and wear them, and see how you feel. If you feel good about it, buy more. If that helps, you might like to socially transition. If that also feels good, you could medically transition.
I figured it out around the time I turned 34. It destroyed my marriage and made me the most depressed I ever have been. It’s become a secret that I want out, but am terrified it’d ruin my relationship with my family and friends. There’s so much positivity about transitioning, but it’s been the most transformative experience of my life for reasons entirely separate from my body.
That said, my experience is unlikely to be yours. And even mine has some joy in it. Some of the first glimpses of happiness on the other side of depression were being able to look in the mirror and see at least some of the woman I wanted to be. It’s also been liberating because of things like your question about sexuality. There’s no rules, no requirements, and it’s entirely to you to decide your identity.
I’m not going to say it’s easy. HRT, in particular, has been a hell of a thing. You get to feel more, but that swings so hard both ways. There’s been days that have been starting out well and end in tears for inconsequential reasons. But the most important thing I’ve found is a support network. Having someone, anyone to talk to makes it easier. If you can afford a therapist, I’d highly recommend it.
The point of this downer of a comment is that despite all the bad that’s come with it, I’m still all in on this. I can’t un-realize it, I can only repress it, and that does no one any good. The answer of “wtf you’re supposed to do with this” is different for everyone, but it doesn’t have to be a burden. It is what you make of it, and even with the hurt it’s caused, it’s been something that I’ve grown to love. You don’t have to pick out new clothes or start presenting yourself to others today, or even this year. Go however fast you’re comfortable with, and know that (at least with the Internet, and maybe even in your town) there’re resources that can help, if you reach out.
I appreciate your perspective 🙏 I’m super scared it would ruin my marriage, which sucks because I am quite fond of my wife.
Unfortunately, that’s going to be entirely dependent on her. But if you do try to bury it to keep it from her, you’ll be risking it coming up later, too. The upside is that if she does accept, you’ll have someone to talk to and confide in, and who can help you through the process.
I’m also 35. A few years ago, one of the senior members in a theatre group I belonged to came out. They went from a self employed IT contractor and lighting technician that was quite well respected, to a self employed IT contractor and lighting technician that was quite well respected. In their late 40s.
She has friends in the theatre group, and those friends were very stern with the younger members and less open minded ones, that did make insensitive comments.
Find yourself friends that you feel safe with, is my point I guess. You will be OK.
Came out in my early thirties, 2 and a half years later I have NEVER been happier at any point in my life. My mental health got worse when I initially started HRT, but that was because it amplified mental health disorders I had previously left untreated due to really bad side effects from antidepressants prescribed to me for ADHD, but after finding an amazing psychologist, I am happy to say that I am the woman that I turned into in a dream when I was very young where I was filled with a joy I didn’t know possible. For my entire life I tried to recreate that dream by imagining myself turning into a women untill I fell asleep. I did that every night until I found alcohol, and then I drank myself to sleep for a decade. Flash forward 10 years, in my sober state of mind I can no longer ignore who I am and my egg shell breaks. Coming out to my wife was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but transitioning quite literally saved my marriage, my partner never looked at me like she does now before I transitioned, I have never felt so much love. I hope you can find your peace OP.
