NTA - if someone describes themself as toxic and then goes on to exhibit extremely toxic behaviour, save yourself the pain and get rid.
PS, removing a condom during sex without permission is a form of rape.
I was with you until the condom rape. It isn’t right, but rape? Seriously? How many years in jail for condom raping?
His conditions for sex required a condom. When she removed it, she lost consent.
Would you feel differently about it if a man secretly removed his own condom and put his load in an unknowing woman?
That’s exactly what Julian Assange did, and half the internet defends the shit out of him.
Half the internet can be wrong.
The question was, would you defend that?
Of course not
Maybe? I don’t know about that. Not sure how it’s relevant here.
I mean, you asked
Would you feel differently about it if a man secretly removed his own condom and put his load in an unknowing woman?
and I pointed out an example of a man who did that and yet is regularly defended, so it appears a lot of people have no problem with that at all
Yeah, I get how it’s related, but what you said doesn’t answer the question, and at any given time on any given topic, half the Internet is just stupid and wrong, so, that doesn’t actually mean anything at all.
It is wrong, I don’t dispute that; but believe calling that rape is mocking actual sexual abuse. The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
Yes, she could force pregnancy, but that’s also not rape, but a different crime. Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
I did not claim that the condom was the victim in any way. I also have no problem with burning used condoms. Kinda weird, but I’m not here to kink shame.
And, having sex without a condom COULD harm the guy. He could pick up an STD in addition to being responsible for an unintended pregnancy.
When someone says yes to protected sex, that means that they have said NO to unprotected sex, until they explicitly say otherwise. Sex without consent is rape.
Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
And I would argue that you are doing THESE people who WERE actually raped a larger disservice by saying they weren’t raped enough to deserve the right to say that they were raped.
Do we really need people gatekeeping rape?
Of course we don’t need people gate keeping rape, just as much as we don’t need people imposing rape.
Rape, as any other crime, needs an objective meaning, so you can determine if it’s or isn’t rape. That, my friend, is a definition, not gatekeeping. Argue with reasons, not your guts.
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/condom-removed-during-sex-stealthing-b2562031.html
https://reeds.co.uk/insights/stealthing-and-conditional-consent/
By both a legal and moral definition, removing a condom, or sabotaging a condom without informed consent of your partner (whether it’s the male or female doing it) is committing an act of rape, regardless of any physical harm or consequences which may or may not result.
Thanks for the assist!
Holy shit. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.
She is a toxic dirtbag and you need to learn to love yourself more than the person with whom you are in a relationship.
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There are so many examples in your post where you place her above you and she is not equal in that return.
It is challenging, especially when you think of things like, “Love means sacrifice, or hard work.” And those statements are not wrong, but they are also easy mechanisms your brain uses to justify why you let someone shit on you.
I am coming from a marriage of 20 years and after getting therapy, finally realizing just how I much I enabled the treatment I received.
Sex is such a strong urge too, ESPECIALLY at 20. That and fear of loneliness.
I’ve got something that is worse though. 20 years I will never get back because I convinced myself if I just kept loving her, she would eventually love me back the same. That I just need to be strong and the sacrifice is worth it. Now I don’t even really know who I am anymore.
You got this in a short dating period.
I am not red pilling or any of that other chauvinistic bullshit because this applies to both partners.
Almost every single example you presented was reason enough, on its own, to leave her.
But you twisted yourself into thinking there’s no way this is what it is. You must not be seeing it right, there must be some justification for her behavior. It must not be a big deal, or you are “over reacting”.
That can be anywhere from poor self esteem to just putting your partner on a pedestal.
If your partner does something that makes you think, “I could/would never consider doing that.”, in a bad way, it is most likely not an equal or healthy relationship. (This mostly applies to how they interact with you and others.)
You are NTA, you just need to respect your own boundaries, even when it hurts.
This really freaked me out because on the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission and then said, when I didn’t want to go all the way, “You don’t trust me?”
Biggest red flag right there. If you say no and she pressures you, that’s more or less sexual assault.
The rest of her behaviour does not sound remotely healthy. It sounds like she was playing your emotions for whatever reason; with the hang ups, not answering, deflecting everything, etc.
You dodged a bullet.
Given the horrific treatment it’s more like the bullet grazed them. What a fucked up thing to experience.
NTA
…the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission…
This is sexual assault and illegal in some places. Granted it is normally the reverse, but I believe the law is written so that it goes both ways.
EDIT:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removalEveryone sucks here.
she took off my condom without permission
Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You’re absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.
That’s not OK even if you’re very scared.
Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
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Removing a condom alone isn’t rape. From OPs story they didn’t continue having sex after she took it off without his permission, so there is no rape.
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Was she drunk too? And you knew she took it off and chose to keep going?
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- A ten-year age gap is a huge red flag if one of the two is literally 20 yrs old. No offense to you, but as someone in their 30s, I cannot express just how much of a different place you’re in between 20 and 30. Straight up, 30 yr olds shouldn’t be snooping after 20 yr olds (and yes I know she’s technically 29, but the point def still stands).
- What she did would be considered sexual assault to many people, myself included. Lying about condom use flies in the face of consent. Not trying to pathologize, but I sincerely hope you’re okay. You mention wanting to kill yourself at one point. Based on everything you said, you should NOT be in a relationship with her toxic ass. Not trying to be cute, but you should consider talking to a therapist about what you had to go through. Cuz that’s a lot for anyone to handle.
- Fuck ICE
- Break up, move on, and good luck.
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No one said you were planning on calling ICE.
It’s just something that gets said in general, because fuck ICE.
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Edited my comment, I misread the citizenship part. That was entirely my fault, and I apologize to you for insinuating as that you’d involve ICE.
She raped you and then joked about exploiting you and a child for money.
NTA
Please stop trivializing rape. This was not rape. Yeah, some type of sexual assault as she took the condom off without permission, but rape is a whole lot worse than what was described here.
There are various forms of sexual assault but they violated his consent and then continued to engage in a sexual activity. that’s rape.
I would say to you stop trivializing a woman’s actions that everyone would consider rape if the genders swapped
If he was the one who slipped off the condom secretly, would you not consider that rape?
Regardless, OP is immature and has a lot of growing to do, and she took advantage of that in a number of ways. I feel for this kid. Terrible situation to be dragged through
What is stealthing?
So-called ‘stealthing’ is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person’s permission.
From OPs story it sounds like she took it off and that was the end of it - no “stealthing”.
That’s not your gut telling you something is wrong. That is your reason, your logic telling you something is wrong, because something IS wrong.
Forcing unprotected sex on someone is rape. Putting it in context with the age gap, it’s predatory as hell.
If this is real, you did the right thing. Learn from this experience.
Nta, and not shaming you at all op—I was twenty once too—this go for everyone that needs to read it: when someone tells you they’re ‘toxic’, believe it (and fucking run).
AITA for breaking up
No.
I would say she seemed toxic imo. Good thing you left. I would probably say the only thing you could have done better was to be direct and break things off straight away. Or try to explain to her why she made you uncomfortable instead.
NTA it sounds like she has a very poor sense of humor and doesn’t care who she hurts. Taking of a condom without your partner’s consent is extremely f-ed up. It’s a form of SA.
The only thing you did that rubs me the wrong way is asking about her citizenship as leverage. I understand you were acting out of fear due to a situation she created. Still though, it’s pretty scary to be Latin right now and even more so if you’re not a citizen. Still nta.
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Like I said, you are nta in the situation. She put you in a horrible, life threatening situation. You acted out of fear and you did no harm. I just think it’s important to recognize the harm that could have been done. Consider it a lesson learned and an opportunity to move forward as a wiser, and perhaps stronger person. Sending you love.
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I don’t know, if only it didn’t attract all kinds of creative writers and compulsive liars, in search of sympathy and sweet sweet upvotes… “I kicked my son out and disowned him because he didn’t like my ketchup ranch lasagna AITA”
Yeah. I like the concept, but half of the ones I saw on Reddit were obviously bullshit written by teenagers who think that real life plays out like movies.
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I’m always assuming devils advocate whenever I see these posts. I gave up halfway through the first paragraph. The first time its nothing more than a distasteful joke and is ultimately probably pretty funny when all is said and done. The fourth time is a repeat offender and it was always intentional get the fuck out of there holy shit dawg RUN.
I don’t think anyone is an asshole for breaking up with someone - no one is owed someone staying in a relationship they hate.
Sounds like she is a garbage person that you should not date, talk to, or even acknowledge exists anymore. Go to a Dr. and get an STD panel ran.
BUT:
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support
You are an asshole for that. Be better next time. Learn from this, if a relationship feels this bad, especially so shortly into it, dip out as directly and clearly as you can.
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