I’ve been 10months on HRT so maybe it’s still too early to tell but I genuinely believe I won’t pass unless I get FFS, my face was quite masculine before HRT and I think it’s not possible to change some stuff without surgical intervention. I have a prominent brow ridge, my jaw is square and my chin is cleft. No matter how hard I try with makeup, voice, eyebrows and hair, I still get sir’d once people see my face. Sorrowfully without much hesitation. It makes me feel terribly illegitimate to call myself a woman when I look like this.
My dysphoria has lowered a lot since starting though and I actually feel alive for once in my life. But maybe it would be better identifying as a femboy until I can get FFS…
Passing culture is hot trash. Looks don’t determine identity, and they are in fact entirely separate ideas. Also stop going to /tttt/ or adjacent spaces because they literally just harm your mental health with no gain, it’s the equivalent of incel shit for trans people.
I haven’t gone on 4chan since the first few months of my transition, I just have to be real with myself at some point, I might never be treated like a woman in society because I might never look like one. I just don’t know how to cope…
I’m glad that you’ve chosen to separate yourself from what is ultimately a very toxic community of people who have a very, very black and white view of society and gender.
Looking “like a woman” doesn’t mean one specific thing. I know it’s hard to think that way, but gender is a construct as much as it affects our lives. Women, passing women specifically, come in all shapes and sizes. Look all different ways. There is no “shape of a woman” or “face of a woman” or even “voice of a woman”. That’s simply not how human biology works. I say this not to dismiss your dysphoria, but to point out that you’re probably comparing yourself with a very specific construction of womanhood and femininity. Comparing yourself to an imaginary figure in this manner is bad for you. It has direct consequences for your mental health.
Women look all kinds of different ways and still pass. Stop hyperfixating on the specific feminine ideals of beauty that are spread across all levels of society and notice the way women look in your own community. Follow influencers and content creators who do not fit societal conventions of physical femininity and yet are undeniably women.
Passing is possible for us. It’s a combination of many factors, but chiefly among them is self-confidence and assuredness. Gender is socially a performance. It’s a set of behaviors, presentations, and attitudes. What determines whether you pass or not is chiefly how clear your performance is. Hence why people who have bodies very well aligned with social conventions for women can still be misgendered or treated differently if they are gender non-conforming in presentation or behavior.
If passing is something important to you, then it is absolutely something you can do. Learn to do your makeup, get a feminine hair style and take really good care of your hair, start taking care of your skin, wear overtly feminine clothing that makes you feel good, notice the way that women around you talk and move and start to emulate it. It might not be possible to pass literally 100% of the time, but there’s a vast difference between passing 5% of the time and passing 90% or even 80% of the time. It’s not satisfying, and I know, I get it, the desire for it to just happen for you to just immediately be always seen as a cis woman is strong. But that’s not in line with how gender works.
And I’m not saying that I agree with it working this way, I would call myself a gender abolitionist who thinks everyone should be entitled to have whatever body and presentation they want. However, whether we like it or not, that’s how society views and treats gender. If your goal is to pass as a cis woman, then you have to seem like one when someone meets you. Which is more than just your face shape or your fat distribution or so on. Not that those things aren’t factors, but lots of cis women have different face shapes, broad shoulders, narrow hips, and so on. They also perform gender a certain way. And lots of women have all the things women are socially told their bodies should have, and they can still be misgendered when not performing gender the expected way.
Personally, I think you should identify as whatever the hell you want and not worry about how your appearance might affect people’s perception.
I don’t think there should be a threshold for how feminine a trans person needs to be before they can change how they personally identify.
I might have also completely misinterpreted what you’re saying because I’m really fucking tired. Anyway I hope I could be helpful in some way.
I agree but if I go to the women’s bathroom I’d still immediately get kicked out :(
That won’t change for years until I get my maimed face fixed…
In my region, there’s a huge variety of women using the women’s restroom including me with just a pink hoodie and leggings and no makeup. I’ve also seen women with facial hair,non-binary and GNC people, and ftm men using the women’s bathroom. If you use the women’s bathrooms near me and show any amount of femininity you’ll be fine.
You may pass with HRT or you may not. It doesn’t hurt to have a plan to make yourself as comfortable in your own body as you can be. If that includes FFS then so be it, there is no shame in making a plan to get it. And who knows, while you wait for surgery you may even begin to pass as time goes on. My face has looked completely different every year that I’ve been on HRT.
There’s also no shame in identifying as whatever makes you feel the most comfortable and the most safe. It is completely understandable. Lord knows we all wish we could be so confident in ourselves no matter what, but we have to do what we can to survive.
I still boy mode outside of work and friends because I don’t feel safe being seen as trans by strangers and it hurts less when I am misgendered because at least I’m not trying.
My advice for now, try not to fixate on what about your face is causing you to not pass. In most cases it’s not any one part but how things fit together and in any case the FFS surgeon will know best. Also, please try your best not to let “not passing” stop you from living your life.
Thanks for your words, I often feel like looking like a woman is this unattainable goal, and I guess not reaching for it feels comforting if that makes sense?
I don’t let passing prevent me from living, I do basically what I want transition wise long hair, women’s clothing, perfume, you name it. but I really really really want to pass, because ultimately it would reflect what I really am on the inside. Now I feel torn like my soul is split between what I am and what people think I am.
With enough time and money, passing is never unattainable. You just need a plan. It being comforting makes perfect sense.
It sounds like you’re hurting yourself by hiding your identity from others.
