I guess I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere. I’m not a big fan of journaling because it doesn’t really ever feel like I actually get them out of my head, but I only got one friend who I can tell anything to, she’s a wonderful transwoman who I’ve known since we were kids and has struggled with addiction like myself in her life and does a great job of helping distract me and push me to be a better person, but I don’t always feel good about using her as a person to vent to because I worry thats all our relationship turns into and she’s not my therapist. I dont have one of those either cuz I guess I dont have a lot of hope in therapy doing much good. I tried it once and my guy just told me to practice mindfulness. Problem is I cant seem to get out of my own head most days unless I smoke or drink. Smoking makes me paranoid and tbh pretty lazy. Drinking helps me give into bad impulses (like posting here or publicly) and I get even less work done when I drink. So here I am just trying to vent.

I just feel really inadequate. I dont like being alone, I grew up with good parents and two older sibs who are like a decade older than me and remember crying when they went to college. My mom and dad werent really outwardly romantic, but I remember my dad buying mom flowers and him and my mom are working class heroes who worked hard to get us all the essentials and a little more. They still try to help me and my sibs fianancially and emotionally, but I just cant be like them, I keep making mistakes in life and cant seem to stop myself. I really want a life partner, if not a whole family to love and provide for, but since I cant really take care of myself it doesnt seem like I can do that, let alone date or have healthy sexual relationships. I worry alot, I was diagnosed with general anxiety five or so years ago and I probably have ADHD. I get paranoid about things too and I rely on my friends and family alot, but even tho I really lucked out in a lot of ways in the birth lottery I just cant seem to feel good about myself. I want to be able to help people but I just keep finding ways to hurt people I genuinely care about, friends, family, people I have romantic feelings for.

It feels like every time I’m on to something good I find a new, or old, way to self sabotage and fuck it all up. Even here I can be really rude and just plain mean to all you fine people. Why cant life be better for me and all the people I personally care about? I’m not strong enough to help those people, let alone humanity. I have a lot of love in my heart, that’s why I’m a communist, I want things to be better for everyone, even the people who are ass. But I also have a lot of hate in my heart, thats why I’m also a communist. Hate myself, but I also hate the ghouls who inflict pain and misery on a massive scale because fuck that, life could be so much happier for all of us. I just want us all to be happy, but if I cant be genuinely grateful for the good things in life, like a good family and friends who put up with my bullshit then how am I ever going to help other people who have it so much worse than me?

Idk how to end this vent, there’s too much to think about and worry about and it feels selfish. I just wish I could get a hug and have someone tell me its all gonna be ok. Does that mean I still havent grown up yet, even tho I’m already an adult? Fuck, I have work tomorrow in six hours but I have trouble sleeping. Thanks tho if you read all of that, you weirdos make me feel less alone and I think thats the thing that really scares me the most.

Update: Thank you comrades for all the kind words. I’m doing better already. I took my lil guy, who looks exactly like matapacos, , to the dog park yesterday and I had a friendly conversation with an older lady and her dog Lucy. Things are looking up!