So…idk, i guess I’m in a dilemma right now.
I made a previous post about a year ago I think, talking about how I might have adhd. Nowadays I’m pretty sure about that [I never got diagnosed though, that’ll be explained shortly]. Recently I’ve had a couple stress related issues, including a full on mental breakdown, and decided to look around to see if there was something wrong with me Moreso than just being dysphoric and having adhd.
I think…I think I might have BPD too. I just…on the one hand, I’d like to know if my mood swings, anger issues, fear of abandonment, and identity crisises have an explanation beyond just “I suck and I’m the worst.” But at the same time…I don’t know if I even should get diagnosed for anything.
If I want to medically transition, bam, mental health disqualification/stonewalling
If I want to immigrate, bam, disqualified
And what does that even mean for me ideologically? Adhd is one thing, but I know how people see people with BPD. And I mean, what if thats why I’m a communist? If I was normal would I be something else?
I hate it. I hate not knowing who I am. I like to think i make decisions logically. But I don’t. I’m this fucking bundle of chemicals constantly ready to explode.
And then what about medication? If I do get diagnosed do I want to medicate myself? But that’s going to change me. I don’t want to be changed by pharmaceuticals. I don’t even drink coffee because I don’t like things fucking with the chemistry in my head. But it’s for the best if I don’t end up hurting myself and others, right? But this is me. This is all I’ve known. I can’t conceptualize myself without my hyperactivity, my fear of abandonment, my identity issues. I don’t want the bad parts of those, but I also want the good parts. If I get medicated then am I just going to be some guy? A guy who just goes to work, comes home, focuses on stuff and who’s brain is quiet? That’s a functional human being. Maybe that’d be a better person than what I am. But that’s not me. I want to be me…
You are you, and there’s nothing and no one in the entire world who can replace you. You’re beautiful the way you are, you’re unique, you’re wonderful, you’re self-aware, and you deserve so much love, friendship and of course comradeship! You don’t need to fit in an artificial box, you don’t need to be arbitrarily categorized on terms that aren’t your own. None of us need to abide by such “rules” that don’t actually benefit us or anyone else. Because no one but yourself, and nothing but yourself, has any right to claim what you are and what you aren’t, or what you “should” be and “shouldn’t” be. Identity is one of the most valuable qualities that we have as humans, and it’s something that evolves throughout life.
I think that bringing into question and considering things like BPD, ADHD, and gender dysphoria, does not make you wrong or less valid than anyone else, because they’re not “bad” qualities, it’s you wanting to understand yourself and become the best version of yourself by wishing to turn it all into strength! If you do decide to seek counseling or medication, make sure it’s something that’s on your terms and you genuinely feel would make a positive difference in your life, no matter what anyone says. This concerns you entirely and you’re the master of your own personal affairs!
Screw “normal”, and screw stigma and bigotry. This is exactly what we as communists need to do away with! Let me just say this: Were Marx and Engels normal? Was Lenin normal? Was Stalin normal? Was Mao normal? Were Fidel and Che normal? Was Thomas Sankara normal? Was Ho Chi Minh normal? Was Amílcar Cabral normal? Was Muammar Gadaffi normal? Was Patrice Lumumba normal? …and countless others
Nope, they were not normal. They were like us, people who saw the contradictions, people who didn’t want to be caged in, revolutionary figures spat on by the same people who want to convince you that you are “wrong” for not fitting into their false “neurotypical” category or any other dogma. Yet history absolved them because they were following their inner convictions and principles, unbent by any reactionary force. “Normal” people are not the ones who find genuine self-fulfillment on their own, “normal” people are not the ones who build a better world. It’s no different from figuring out who you are.
Wish you the best, seriously!