Here is the transcript (first and only view is free), but it’s about an hour long. (*Note: this isn’t satire, this the real transcript)

Likewise, in a period of just seven months, I have ended seven unendable wars. They said they were unendable. You’re never gonna get them solved. Some were going for 31 years, two of them, 31, think of it, 31 years. One was 36 years, one was 28 years. I ended seven wars. And in all cases, they were raging with countless, thousands of people, being killed. This includes Cambodia and Thailand; Kosovo and Serbia; the Congo and Rwanda, a vicious violent war that was; Pakistan and India; Israel and Iran; Egypt and Ethiopia; and Armenia and Azerbaijan. It included all of them. No president or prime minister, and for that matter, no other country has ever done anything close to that. And I did it in just seven months. It’s never happened before. There’s never been anything like that. Very honored to have done it.

It’s too bad that I had to do these things instead of the United Nations doing them. And sadly, in all cases, the United Nations did not even try to help in any of them. I ended seven wars, dealt with the leaders of each and every one of these countries and never even received a phone call from the United Nations offering to help in finalizing the deal.

All I got from the United Nations was an escalator that on the way up stopped right in the middle. If the first lady wasn’t in great shape, she would have fallen, but she’s in great shape. We’re both in good shape, we’re both still. And then a teleprompter that didn’t work. These are the two things I got from the United Nations, a bad escalator and a bad teleprompter. Thank you very much. And by the way, it’s working now, just went on. Thank you. I think I should just do it the other way; it’s easier. Thank you very much.

https://foreignpolicy.com/2025/09/23/trump-united-nations-speech-immigration-energy/