Hi,
I don’t know if I actually “qualify” to post here, but since I have some levels of transfem or feminine self-identity, I think it might be worth asking. I’m technically in the phase where I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I identify myself as, despite my age, so like… there’s that.
I went to see a therapist who specializes in gender identity. It was pretty nice to be able to “come clean” about myself in a way that was non-judgemental and I was perhaps so gung-ho to talk about it that they were pretty amazed with how comfortable I was talking about it. What they didn’t know is that I was really thinking about it every day for a week before my appointment, even grappling how honest I would be.
Anyway, long story short, there’s a mutual understanding from both me and my therapist that I have to at least talk to my current long term girlfriend about my gender questioning and get some kind of thumbs up or down on whether she’s comfortable with me talking to someone or at least reflecting on myself. I felt bad enough going to the first appointment “secretly”, despite my body being my own choice but as life partners it feels wrong. Since I might be more gender fluid or non-binary, technically, I’d personally be fine “coping” with myself as I am if that was her preference (I mean this sincerely) if otherwise our relationship would end – I value her more than I value my “identity”, if that makes sense.
There’s certain aspects to this relationship that are going to be very different from most: The US policy of the last 6 to 8 years has put us in stasis a bit where we’re stuck long distance, so realistically speaking the next time I can see her in person is probably later this year in the fall. This is probably too long for me to wait before mentioning it, so I’m going to have to try to find some way to make this work in a phone call (or video call).
Anyway, I’m curious to know if anyone else here who came out with partners have any stories about how this went. I’ve heard it usually goes kind of tits-up, so I’m a bit anxious to bring it up especially over the phone. Part of me thinks that my girlfriend basically already knows because the hints can get pretty extreme, but you never know what people will actually think once it’s “confirmed” or not hahaha.
Fair, I’m not entirely sure about that myself either.
just know this is a very common trans experience, and it rarely goes well when someone chooses to “cope” for their partner like that 😅
it’s also very common for trans people rationalize their identity as non-binary to continue repressing and push-off transition, it happened to me and many others I know.
I would actually suggest trying estrogen up-front as a diagnostic - it’s safe, you have around 3 months before there are any long-term effects (the only long term effect is breast growth, tbh), and it can be very clarifying.
I never really “figured out” my identity, but once I started estrogen my mental health improved immensely and I realized whether I’m “really trans” or not, I would take estrogen recreationally and couldn’t really see a way to stop taking estrogen that would be healthy for me. Luckily despite my uncertainty about my identity, it has turned out well for me and I am happy to be a woman.
Thanks for the help. The difficulty for me is that I don’t really feel depressed or unhappy, outside of the usual body image issues I’ve had since I was young. I’m scared to try estrogen due to the body changes associated, at least until I know what I feel is really real. Otoh, I’ve heard a lot that you have to try estrogen before you know for sure, so idk.
I feel a lot better after talking to my therapist but, like, I also feel just as unsure about myself as I was before.
it’s extremely common for trans people to repress and deny their feelings (even unconsciously), usually due to fear of transition and living as a trans person (due to the obvious stigma and threats, etc.).
I also didn’t think I was depressed or especially unhappy. I wouldn’t have even described what I experienced as “distress”, and in the two years leading up to my transition, I thought I was relatively happy and even would have said I was the happiest I had ever been. But I just lacked awareness of what life could be like, and I had never experienced life any differently - so … I don’t know, it’s hard because I only know in hindsight I was very depressed and unhappy.
Your feelings are unlikely to be anything but gender dysphoria - and a competent therapist will be able to discern whether you are suffering from psychosis or whether you’re generally grounded in reality, etc. and rule out the edge cases that might explain the symptoms without being gender dysphoria.
But you should consider the alternative: would a cis man feel the way you do?
You might want to read this part of the Gender Dysphoria Bible: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/am-i-trans
Particularly, checkout the “null hypothesis” section. (It’s worth reading the whole Gender Dysphoria Bible sometime, too).
It’s a misconception that gender dysphoria can be caused by trauma or social influence, etc. - those views are just not based in the evidence, and the current evidence has shown that gender dysphoria arises from biological factors and we even know it’s genetic - it’s not something you can control (basically, you’re born this way). This is why conversion therapy isn’t successful (otherwise, therapy would obviously be preferable to transition).
Luckily, transition is generally very helpful and significantly improves well-being.
What scares you about the body changes? Is it that you don’t want those changes and you’re afraid of having a feminine body? Or are you afraid of transitioning, of the commitment?
And yes, you should just try estrogen. You can quit it without any permanent changes, as I mentioned. (I do suggest you educate yourself thoroughly; for HRT you could start here). Cis men generally wouldn’t even attempt to take estrogen, they would avoid it like the plague - and even if they for some reason took it (like when Alan Turing was forced to take estrogen as punishment for being gay), it results in depression and worse mood, etc. and it will be obvious you don’t want to be on it.
Definitely talk to your therapist and work through your feelings with them, that’s a good plan.