Entire too relatable. I grew up in much the same way. Having that feeling as my baseline, my “normal”, made everything else feel wrong, but I could never fully put my finger on why. I developed a sense of stoicism so that I could get through each day showing as little outward reaction as possible. However, I confused that stoicism for calmness and stability; inside my mind everything still roiled as my instincts and senses were always watching and waiting, preparing for the next time things became dangerous.
Decades of living with that level of hypervigilance paired with the effort needed to put forward a stoic exterior has worn me down. The physical symptoms of chronic mental and emotional exhaustion are debilitating; the body really does pay a toll for the mind’s wounds. Maybe if twenty years ago I had the knowledge and resources that I do now, I could have done something to stave off what I’m going through.
All this to say: if you aren’t already, please seek counseling as soon as possible. Don’t make the same mistake I did; just like the smoker who denies that their habit it harmful, if you don’t work to heal your psychological wounds now, then it will eventually catch up to you. Be well, and take care of yourself.
I became so good at masking because of coming from a environment where my needs weren’t met and my true self wasn’t safe to exist. I was often more concerned about making sure my parents didn’t pop off that I developed an unhealthy way of looking at the world where I put the needs of others above myself - to the point of complete self destruction in front of people who cared about me.
Over the years I finally realised what was going on, but it took being with another person who also has autism and C-PTSD to observe the behaviours in one another and finally take control. In some ways it is a little tragic we both went through so much hardship while having our basic needs ignored from a young age, but in another way I’m so grateful for the miracle of having found a person who perfectly fits my broken parts so we can guide each other through it with understanding and experience.
I regret the times I’ve treated others unfairly because of the pressures of life and not having the resources or wisdom to do things properly. I’m doing my best now to make amends for my past mistakes, heal myself and move into the future with healthy boundaries. I’ve been hurt in ways I can’t even begin to explain, I require a certain amount of medication just to function but I’m still here and I feel optimistic for the future. It’s going to be hard work to rebuild the things I’ve lost, but I’m motivated to do good for myself and for the new family I’m building.
Entire too relatable. I grew up in much the same way. Having that feeling as my baseline, my “normal”, made everything else feel wrong, but I could never fully put my finger on why. I developed a sense of stoicism so that I could get through each day showing as little outward reaction as possible. However, I confused that stoicism for calmness and stability; inside my mind everything still roiled as my instincts and senses were always watching and waiting, preparing for the next time things became dangerous.
Decades of living with that level of hypervigilance paired with the effort needed to put forward a stoic exterior has worn me down. The physical symptoms of chronic mental and emotional exhaustion are debilitating; the body really does pay a toll for the mind’s wounds. Maybe if twenty years ago I had the knowledge and resources that I do now, I could have done something to stave off what I’m going through.
All this to say: if you aren’t already, please seek counseling as soon as possible. Don’t make the same mistake I did; just like the smoker who denies that their habit it harmful, if you don’t work to heal your psychological wounds now, then it will eventually catch up to you. Be well, and take care of yourself.
I became so good at masking because of coming from a environment where my needs weren’t met and my true self wasn’t safe to exist. I was often more concerned about making sure my parents didn’t pop off that I developed an unhealthy way of looking at the world where I put the needs of others above myself - to the point of complete self destruction in front of people who cared about me.
Over the years I finally realised what was going on, but it took being with another person who also has autism and C-PTSD to observe the behaviours in one another and finally take control. In some ways it is a little tragic we both went through so much hardship while having our basic needs ignored from a young age, but in another way I’m so grateful for the miracle of having found a person who perfectly fits my broken parts so we can guide each other through it with understanding and experience.
I regret the times I’ve treated others unfairly because of the pressures of life and not having the resources or wisdom to do things properly. I’m doing my best now to make amends for my past mistakes, heal myself and move into the future with healthy boundaries. I’ve been hurt in ways I can’t even begin to explain, I require a certain amount of medication just to function but I’m still here and I feel optimistic for the future. It’s going to be hard work to rebuild the things I’ve lost, but I’m motivated to do good for myself and for the new family I’m building.