Hopefully a joke, but this is exactly part of why it’s such a damn hard thing to break out of. It self-perpetuates.
It’s a hard spot I’ve hit with my wife. I’m from the sort of household this describes, and she’s from a household where her feelings were always a second thought due to a physically disabled sibling taking priority.
So there are times where she is actually mad, and mad at me or for the reasons I think she is, and she isn’t willing (or able maybe) to just say “I’m upset, but I’ll get over it, I just need a second”. To her mind, she isn’t “upset” “mad” or “angry” when she’s in this state. I’ve asked her what word she’d use instead and she can’t find one.
But I can tell that something is bothering her, so I don’t want to just let it lie. I don’t want my wife to be upset, and I have so much fucking experience that it means things will blow up later if just let to lie. Even experience with that happening with her.
So if I pry, I’m pushing her into being upset on a fast track. But if I don’t and try to leave it alone, I feel like it’s 50/50 that things will explode later on (rather than the near guarantee when growing up).
Because even if she is trying to get over it herself, if other things through the day continue to lump more frustration on, she isn’t going to say anything until she’s almost exploding.
So it makes it even harder to let go of my baggage because it keeps getting fucking reinforced. “See! You got upset! I was right!”
I feel you, friend. Similar situation here, possibly reversed. If I’m grumpy, or mad, or just having a rough day, I have to be exceptionally careful in bringing that to my partner. They deal with a lot, so when I add anything to that pile, it often explodes. So the pattern is me saying ‘Here’s something I am upset about. Please can I have five minutes of your time to listen to me.’, then two days of me comforting my partner because they somehow contributed to this and they hate themselves for it.
She was upset because of work. Me thinking my health got her mad exacerbated the situation. To be fair she always recognizes that I am that way because of my childhood but I can understand how frustrating it is for her.
Oh man I feel this. I got my wife upset yesterday because I thought she was mad at me for being sick. 100% this is why.
so she’s indeed upset
Hopefully a joke, but this is exactly part of why it’s such a damn hard thing to break out of. It self-perpetuates.
It’s a hard spot I’ve hit with my wife. I’m from the sort of household this describes, and she’s from a household where her feelings were always a second thought due to a physically disabled sibling taking priority.
So there are times where she is actually mad, and mad at me or for the reasons I think she is, and she isn’t willing (or able maybe) to just say “I’m upset, but I’ll get over it, I just need a second”. To her mind, she isn’t “upset” “mad” or “angry” when she’s in this state. I’ve asked her what word she’d use instead and she can’t find one.
But I can tell that something is bothering her, so I don’t want to just let it lie. I don’t want my wife to be upset, and I have so much fucking experience that it means things will blow up later if just let to lie. Even experience with that happening with her.
So if I pry, I’m pushing her into being upset on a fast track. But if I don’t and try to leave it alone, I feel like it’s 50/50 that things will explode later on (rather than the near guarantee when growing up).
Because even if she is trying to get over it herself, if other things through the day continue to lump more frustration on, she isn’t going to say anything until she’s almost exploding.
So it makes it even harder to let go of my baggage because it keeps getting fucking reinforced. “See! You got upset! I was right!”
I feel you, friend. Similar situation here, possibly reversed. If I’m grumpy, or mad, or just having a rough day, I have to be exceptionally careful in bringing that to my partner. They deal with a lot, so when I add anything to that pile, it often explodes. So the pattern is me saying ‘Here’s something I am upset about. Please can I have five minutes of your time to listen to me.’, then two days of me comforting my partner because they somehow contributed to this and they hate themselves for it.
She was upset because of work. Me thinking my health got her mad exacerbated the situation. To be fair she always recognizes that I am that way because of my childhood but I can understand how frustrating it is for her.