No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it
Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.
I am struggling with the same thoughts and you do. I was diagnosed with CPTSD due to emotional neglect and emotional abuse as a child. I had therapy for a long time, which in some cases made it worse (especially cognitive behavioral therapy).
A couple of years ago, I found out that I had CPTSD and not any of the other diagnoses I got during the last couple of years. The way I look at myself, which is very close to what you are describing about yourself, is very typical for CPTSD.
It took me years to find the right therapist for that, but recently I did. I started somatic experiencing as a treatment in combination with EMDR, which actually seems to help. I am also trying to learn how to receive support from others and be comforted when I am sad. I am also trying to get used to physical touch. This actually seems to help.
I am not saying work harder or keep trying. But it might at least be useful to know why you feel this way. There are people who have done the worst things you can imagine and who still consider themselves worthy human beings. If you feel this way, this might have more to do with something that was done to you, than with who you are.
I cannot diagnose you, of course. But what you are saying sounds so familiar that I think it might be useful to read some stuff about CPTSD and see whether you recognise it.
Oh, I know that I have CPTSD, Ive been diagnosed as well. I guess depression and anxiety have just always been in the foreground so much that I never really considered specifically seeking out treatment for my trauma. I thought it would just go away, if the depression went away. Thats the way it was talked about anyway.
ive heard about EMDR before, but after years of therapy and medication, which didnt seem to really work, I feel tired. Maybe I’ll bring it up to my psychiatrist at my next appointment.
Im glad your treatment seems to work, I hope that feeling lasts 🫂 also thank you for commenting
It is good that you already know, I think. I was not sure about that and recognised it and thought I should tell you. Depression and anxiety usually are the result of CPTSD, so focusing on treating the CPTSD might reduce the depression and anxiety.
CPTSD often is treated as if it is PTSD. This is not the case (although people with CPTSD usually have PTSD). That is where it often goes wrong. For example, just doing exposure when some does not even have a concept of what feeling safe means can be harmful. The focus should first be on creating a sense safety and finding ways to regulate your nervous system so you are not constantly in a mode of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. You need a therapist that understands this. Not all of them do. Reading about this might help as well (I started with “The body keeps the score.”).
EMDR was definitely useful for me. It did help with specific symptoms, such as intrusive images of my trauma’s. It is also a treatment that is relatively straightforward and provides relieve quite fast. However, it is not a full solution. There should, for example, also be a focus on the physical side of having an unregulated nervous system.
A couple of weeks ago I was standing on a bridge in the middle of the night and the only reason I did not jump is that I did not want to traumatise other people. Right now, I am not sure that I want to live yet, but I am not sure anymore I want to die either. I think I want to try this therapy, because I felt safe and connected to another person for the first time in years, even if it was only for a short time. So, it means that the possibility is still there and I want to try.
I am not saying you should live and that everything will be okay. I do not know that. The only thing I can say is that I am glad I did not jump and that there were more opportunities for me to get better than I thought. Even though I spend a quarter of time in therapy just crying and saying that I am too tired. Even being able to do that with someone else present is progress. If everything does not work out, I can kill myself anyway, later on. That is always an option. But once I have done that, finding another solution is no option anymore. I think that is all I can say about that.