No one will ever care for me the way I care for them. There must be something so fundamentally repulsive about me, that people are willing to use me but the moment I try to open up I get cast aside. I dont blame them. No one wants a burden in their life. Maybe things could be different if I wasnt so ugly. But it wouldn’t really matter, because id still be broken beyond repair. I guess my father was right when he said no one would ever love me. He was right and it hurts. I already know that I will eventually kill myself. Im not sure how to write a suicide note, but if it’s bad I at least won’t have to live with it
Edit: and before anyone says the “don’t kill yourself, I care blah blah” bullshit platitudes: you do not know me. The person you are saying that to is some imaginary person you just made up in your head. A person who is “good enough” and “able to be loved”, and whatever other nonsense you thought of. But I am not that person. You wouldn’t know that, though. Because you do not know me.
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I’ve been depressed and have had anxiety since I was around 8, at 13 I developed trichotillomania, and went started therapy when i was 14. At 15 I moved out of my parents house, because my father is an alcoholic and my mother schizophrenic. Ive been on various antidepressants, none worked. Ive had multiple hospital stays. I applied to art school last year, I text and meet my friends regularly, Ive started going to events around my city, I read one hour before bed, I drink enough water, I do yoga, I went on a date this week. Im still worthless and broken. Maybe some stupid fuckhead will tell me that I haven’t tried hard enough yet. I hope I dont have to “celebrate” my birthday again this year.
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Build back what? I never had self worth to begin with, because I never fulfilled the criteria of having it when I was a child.
Would you be able to tell me how I am not worthless and broken? I am genuinely curious. Barring the response “because you are a human and alive.”