Stuff we should get? Or features on some items?
Things to you wish you knew or had done before the baby arrived?
Any and all advice is welcome :)
My wife and I have four kids. I’m speaking with a thousand yard stare here.
First of all, having kids is BY FAR the best thing that ever happened to me.
But it didn’t feel that way in the beginning.
I won’t use “you”, but “I”. I can’t guarantee that my experience will be mirrored by you. But I can say that the fathers I know well enough to have open conversations with on this topic broadly agree with this.
It’s great you’re asking these questions. You’ll no doubt get lots of good answers. So I won’t pile on.
But I wish to tell you something I completely didn’t understand.
The first year of the first kid is HARD. It’s hard for mummy; even harder if she’s breastfeeding.
But it will be super hard for you too. Because everyone will just expect you to be “supportive daddy” and buck up. Meanwhile you’ll be going through your own journey. Your journey isn’t visible. Your stomach isn’t contracting. Your weight isn’t shifting (well, only by reaching for easy meal options at least) and (if mummy is breastfeeding) you’re not the one with sore nipples or mastitis.
There were times when I quietly, in the dark, trying to lull baby to sleep, asked myself “what have I done?” … “is this my life now?!”
I felt I completely disappeared. My end credits had rolled. I was a supporting actor in somebody else’s film.
And the crucial experience I missed was this: It doesn’t last long.
But man it felt endless. I felt utterly worn out and with no “tour of duty” end date ahead.
It’s over before it even begins. Each day today is the hardest day you’ll do on this. Tomorrow will be easier. Next week easier than that. In a month even easier.
And gradually, slowly, I returned. “I” became an entity again. I had time do something for me.
What I wished someone had told me was this very thing: It won’t be long. It’s hard but it’ll be much easier soon.
Enjoy it! Kids are just the very best thing you’ll ever do. (But only after a while).
Two beds in separate rooms. No sense in both of you losing sleep. One of you needs to sleep well each night. Decide and conquer. Take shifts if you need to.
Best advice I can think of: learn to breathe.
Theres a lot of joy in having a baby but also a lot of stress on reduced sleep. Learning to acknowledge when you’re getting frustrated and take a minute will make everything so very much easier.
Also buy a diaper genie.
Diaper genie was great. Also reuse grocery bags and spin them into a knot.
Diaper Genie for the win!
Also, a car seat that latches into its base (base stays in car). So much better than one you have to strap in/out of the car all the time.
My family called those pumpkin seats. I had a friend who left their kid in that seat too often and it ended up with a flat head. The kid needed a helmet. Poor guy was never the brightest.
Sorry to hear that, but I don’t see how that could be the cause (unless they were leaving them in it for a week at a time).
The baby was only ever in the crib or the seat. It was a bit too late, but they started paying more attention once social services was involved. Definitely a middle child problem.
I think he’s doing better now, but he’s practically an adult.
I always endeavor to get things that have multiple uses. At first, I pooh-poohed (heh) the idea of a diaper genie. A regular trash can should be sufficient, right?
No. If you’re doing disposable diapers, get the diaper genie.
Your username is very apt lol
Diaper Genie, seconded.
Don’t try to leave your house in complete silence to avoid waking the baby. Make normal noise and train the baby to be able to sleep through that.
Also, never give in to a tantrum (note that this one you’re a few years away from, since I’m not talking about baby crying). Even if you realize partway through that you’re wrong. Talk it out after they’ve calmed down. You can even tell them that you realized you were wrong but that you’ll never give in to a tantrum like that because that’s not how you handle not liking something. Once they learn tantrums are only a path to defeat, they’ll adjust their methods.
Be sure your child isn’t autistic before using this method. Autistic dysregulation (meltdowns) can look a lot like tantrums, but autistic kids don’t have the ability to control or adjust this behaviour.
Absolutely this.
But there is more. Sometimes small kids (whether neurodivergent or not) simply don’t have the communication skills to express their wants and needs yet. It’s crucial to make sure that you’re not accidentally denying a kid something they need, simply because they lack the skills to tell you what they need.
Functional communication training is a big part of what I teach at work. Regardless of your kid’s neurotype, an adult has to learn to anticipate their wants and needs, then teach them how to communicate that appropriately (and honor their appropriate response.) Maybe the kid’s getting sick, and they’re acting out because they’re tired or some part of their body hurts. Maybe they’re hungry, thirsty, or even lonely. It’s our job as adults to help them “connect the dots” so they can have their needs met. Ignoring a child who’s suffering is never a good idea, but parsing out the reason for their behavior takes skill and practice.
Kids learn to move their hands before they’re able to vocally speak. However, their ability to recognize and understand the language they hear/see is stronger than many adults expect. Which is why it’s a good idea for parents to familiarize themselves with some basic sign language, and use it together with simple language to teach pre-verbal kids how to communicate. Even just teaching the signs for “help,” “more,” and “all done” can empower your toddler to make their needs clear. If you can tell your kid is struggling to reach a toy they want, sign and say “help.” After feeding them, sign and say “all done.” When pushing a kid on a swing, occasionally stop, then sign and ask, “more?” Use every opportunity you can to model communication. If you see the kid attempt a sign (or vocal word) they know (even if it’s imperfect), honor that. It’s more important that they can get their needs across than that they articulate perfectly. In time, you can shape those signs and words to be more accurate, but we’re starting with babies here, so first things first.
It’s crucial to make sure that you’re not accidentally denying a kid something they need, simply because they lack the skills to tell you what they need.
“I don’t know, can you go to the bathroom??”
Meal prep meal prep meal prep. Have a month’s with of means ready to go before the baby gets here
Learn lower back massage. Helps a lot with sciatica during pregnancy and monthly period. If you can follow the nerve down the leg she will love you forever.
Sleep as much as you can now because after the baby arrives you won’t get to choose when and how long to sleep.
Start saving for daycare (assuming you’ll use it) now. It is surprisingly expensive.
You won’t smell of milk all the time, so it is easier for you to put the baby to sleep. Try memorizing like 10 songs that you like and will be able to sing over and over again. The baby will figure out, that it is time to sleep when you sing these.
Learn how to exercise/strach baby. You don’t want to do this with a newborn. But there won’t be a lot of time after birth to look this up. Be gentile. It’s good for the baby and makes them fart and shit, easing stomach pain.
Look up baby first aid videos just in case. It is very different than adult first aid.
The first song that came to mind was from bigxtheplug, maybe try for 10 appropriate songs.
Nahhh… don’t sweat it. My son’s favorite is an old school '90 punk-rock song about “sometimes I miss marijuana”. You can get away with it for quite a while. Than you replace the inappropriate parts with jellybeans and tulips or whatever.
Shit I’ll add to that and straight up suggest doing a first aid program if OP can afford to and can find the time. It just gives you piece of mind knowing how to do shit in a safe way.
If the partner has enough mobility still I’d even suggest doing a class together as a bonding thing.
Talk about feeding plans in advance. I talked my wife into pumping and saving up some breast milk in the freezer. That way I could feed the baby when she didn’t feel up to it. Not a big deal if you’re doing formula.
Don’t be afraid to take the baby for some dad time. Mom may or may not be good at expressing when she needs a break. Our middle child would cry whenever mom wasn’t holding her, making it hard for Mom to get any rest. But, I figured out she liked low, constant sounds. I would take her out in the garage, turn on my big shop fan, and just walk around while holding her. She would finally doze off after a bit.
One of the most important things I learned was that it’s ok to not know how to feel at first. Women have hormones that help them bond with a newborn. That’s what keeps them from chucking the baby they just evicted from their body out the window or leaving it for the wolves.
Men don’t have that advantage. My wife was getting all excited about being pregnant and I’m just like, “Oh. Cool. I’m gonna be a father. Great. I guess.” I didn’t really feel anything except maybe a little fear of the unknown. I knew our life was going to different but I wasn’t sure exactly how. Then this little person arrives and they are simultaneously adorable and the worst houseguest you can possibly imagine. They can’t talk so they just cry and whatever they want, they want it now.
I honestly felt miserable. That changed one day when my daughter was a couple months old. I was carrying her to her crib for a nap when she nuzzled her little head into my shoulder and went right to sleep. I realized right then that my little girl knew who was holding her and she felt safe. That was a very special moment for me. One I hope I always remember. Right from that moment I was hooked.
Your experience may be different. Just know that if it doesn’t feel all warm and fuzzy at first, that’s ok.
Edit: Congratulations BTW!
Your partner went through all of the gestation and labor herself; the least you can do is be the person who changes the diapers.
Men don’t always immediately bond with their newborn progeny. It’s ok, don’t feel guilty if you’re not head-over-heels in love with your baby for the first year or two.
If you’re ever feeling frustrated caring for your newborn, take a break. They will be fine if you leave them crying in their crib so that you can take a walk or do whatever you need to decompress and compose yourself.
Most pacifiers have bottle nipple mates. If your baby prefers one specific bottle or pacifier, buy the mate.
Most importantly, sleep deprivation and stress can cause significant mental health issues, specifically anxiety and depression. Your feelings are valid. If you’re having a hard time, ask for help.
Sleep when you can, because you do not know when the next sleep will be.
After the baby comes, when it wakes at night Fetch it so the wife can stay comfortably in bed to feed (assuming she can get comfortable in bed to feed).
Also if you are bottle feeding, you can figure out a night routine which will work for the first 3-6 months, assuming the baby wakes every few hours. What worked for us was if one person stayed up late, handling any feeding till 2am, and then the other person would wake up early and get the 5am and later feedings. Highly recommend to find some long running TV series that has like six seasons and a movie to watch during these times, since you will spend a lot of time doing this.
Very much this. My daughter was bottle fed, and almost like clockwork she would get hungry every 3 hours, at 12, 3, 6 and 9. My wife would feed and go to bed at midnight, and then I would stay up until 3 and feed there, then straight to bed. Then at 6 my wife would wake up and feed, and then finally at 9 in the morning I would wake up. Getting those 6 hours uninterrupted was invaluable.
Yeah, the 8pm handoff. Mom goes to bed after the feeding around 8pm, dad goes long and hits the 11pm and 2am, then bails out.
Yes! Sleep when the baby sleeps!
Also, when our first one came home, be screamed the moment the lights turned off for bed—presumably because it was safe and quiet. We slept with the lights on for a few nights.
Musical instruments, not toys that play random sounds, but actual music. My brother love them and my mother is a music teacher for children (and she’s usually the favourite teacher). And you don’t have to buy many, you can test with one and then buy more if you think they’d like it
Hear me out:
Motion-sensing nightlights.
You’ll both thank me when you get up in the middle of the night to get to the baby or something for the baby. Turning on lights is just going to wake everyone up and make you cranky.
If your wife isn’t breastfeeding get several different brands of bottles. Your kid may have trouble with one kind but no others.
Get a 5Kg sack of potatoes or rice and practice holding it like a baby for at least 10-15 min several times a day. Get those baby holding muscles building now, just remember you want endurance not actual strength.
A white noise generator is good for when they are fussy and can calm them down.Congratulations! It’s an exciting time and they are such marvellous little creatures. Here are some random thoughts that may be useful
Pregnancy
- Everyone’s pregnancy is different, so listen to your wife above all, but here are some things we dealt with that are not terribly uncommon:
- First trimester: nausea, tastes in food changing, scents being particularly offensive. Which tastes and scents worked and which were offensive changing on a daily basis. Have a “clean room” and some kind of array of candles or air fresheners to rotate through, when the dinner that sounded great in the morning is suddenly stomach turning as it is being prepped
- Second trimester: the easiest in some respects, but here is when the mental load, in the form of anxiety, stress, and depression really started to set in. Be prepared to shoulder as much of the emotional burden as you can carry. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your family
- Third trimester: The peak of the physical discomfort. Moving is hard. Breathing is hard. Every day feels like running a marathon. Minimise the amount of moving your wife has to do
Delivery
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Most hospitals / maternity wards offer tours. If you are planning a hospital birth, going in the week before to see the place helped reduce a lot of the anxiety when the time finally came. They can’t be scheduled far in advance because it depends on how busy they are, so keep checking
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Familiarise yourself with the physical details of the birth process. We read through “The Birth Partner” (Simkin and Cheney) together in the preceding months. There is one chapter where they subtly endorse some pseudoscience, but if you can skip over that when you run into it, we found it very informative and helpful about what to expect.
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The event itself is exciting, but overwhelming. Again, your wife will be entirely consumed by managing the physical demands. You can help by taking care of the logistical and emotional demands. Advocate for her. The staff are on the same team as you, but you are the only one with the brain space to ensure that the decisions your wife wants for the birth are being kept in mind.
Newborn
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The first 2-3 weeks are the hardest. You’re adjusting, and the baby is adjusting, and all three of you will have to figure out how to make it work. I hope you are in a place where you can all take time off work. We were lucky in that we were able to breastfeed without too many issues, but regardless if it works the same for you or not, those early days must be a team effort. My wife fed, I did the diapers, and we all woke up together.
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Early on, we ran into some pretty difficult nights where the baby just would not sleep. It turned out she was not getting enough breast milk. Once we started adding some formula, she went right back to sleep. We did this until my wife’s supply increased, which is a fairly common pattern.
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I don’t know why I didn’t expect this, but newborns generally dislike the experience of getting their diapers changed. It will be a fight for a little while. I say this because, if they ever stop crying while you are in the middle of one, duck and cover. That means they are about ready for part two. And it can come with some force. Those little changing mats do not cover nearly enough. We had to put down an extra layer of paper towels along the whole “trajectory”. (This does calm down eventually)
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Babies are demanding. It is rewarding, but there will be exhausting days. Early on, my wife and I devised a system where we each get one day a week that we have “off” from the baby, barring emergencies. I can’t overstate how much of a difference having that one “recharge” day makes in managing the stress, it has been extremely helpful.
Things we got that have been worth their weight in gold:
- Convertible car seat / stroller–we are using the Doona brand and it has been incredible
- Big pack of burp cloths. These need to be within arm’s reach in every room in the house
- Dedicated diaper changing station with diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, and a burp cloth in drawers within arm’s reach
- Bassinet that can swing over the bed for easy feeding
- A velcro swaddle. Most are too big for newborns, but as soon as they can fit in, it is way easier than trying to do the origami with the blanket. Babies always beat origami
Things we got that really weren’t as important as we thought they were going to be
- Two diaper bags, one would have been more than sufficient
- A diaper caddy for around the house. As opposed to spit-ups, diapers generally are leisurely enough for you to make your way to your diaper changing station, so it was not incredibly helpful to have extras within arm’s reach
- Postpartum cart with snacks and supplies for my wife. Nice idea, just didn’t end up using it much
I know that looks like a lot, but it’s really not bad, because most of it is extra, conveniences and nice-to-have things. As long as you have food, diapers, and a safe place for the baby to sleep, all of that other stuff can be figured out on the go, and you will figure it out as you find what works for you. And the love and joy that come with the baby are indescribable. The rewards are there, and they eclipse the challenges.
You can do this, and it will be wonderful!
Fantastic advice here.
I’ll only toss a couple of things in too.
If you’re lucky to be taking paternity leave then count the first few weeks as a complete wash of doing “anything”. I recommend nesting in the most convenient room where you can accomplish everything you need to including sleep. If possible, make it not your bedroom. That way you can banish the SO to the bedroom if things are getting overwhelming and a brief break/nap from parenthood can do wonders.
If, god forbid, you have a colicy baby make sure to take sanity breaks. If you have addressed every need and the baby is safe then walk away where you can still hear the crying but can collect yourself. I could never imagine harming a baby until my second and I had to take sanity breaks to stop intrusive thoughts. A sleep deprived brain can only take so much screaming before your animal brain starts screaming itself. If your SO is with a screaming baby all day then any and all time away from them is critical safety need. I used to come home from work and shove my SO out the door.
If you are blessed to have support from friends/family TAKE IT. Don’t abuse it but if someone offers to give you a break then thank them and take it.
If breastfeeding is not possible, do not let holier than thou motherfuckers shame you for feeding your child formula. You would not believe how many times I used to have to snidely reply to people by asking if it would better that my baby die from malnutrition rather than have formula.
- Everyone’s pregnancy is different, so listen to your wife above all, but here are some things we dealt with that are not terribly uncommon:
