I feel lost, ripped apart…

I had a close friend, lets call her E. She was my trans guide, did her stuff earlier to me. She helped me stand proud to say loud who am I, in front of friends, in front of self, she was around when I went doc for first time, here and there. She was my dear friend, mentor, guide, teacher. Even if we newer met eye to eye, as living quite far away.

Since few days, almost a week, she took another lovely girlie and went to their heaven.

I’ve heard lesbians and transbians dates going quick, living together after first date, marriage ring after second date, wedding as third date. Thought that all was just a meme…
Prior to first date, E was laughing that there wont be anything, I kept yelling at her that she found the one, to keep hopes all be awesome, I kept supporting her spirit. I joked, that it’s time to say goodbye to our friendship, as she wont have time for me anymore, we wont be able to play games together. And that was true.
After E’s first date, she was super hyped, and her happiness went over the sky right after with confirmation of second date… things happens to them. I’m super happy for that.

And then, I cried for few days, for all of their happiness (mostly), but quickly, also cried for knowing that happiness will never happen to me, because I’m losing a friend… oh greedy fuack of me, I’m ashamed to say that, it was my loss of my support.

In my head, best solution was… still is… to give them their space, to move aside. That if i stay any nearby, I will only hurt us all, both them and myself. Fuck myself, I may get burn on a cross in hell, but to endanger a friend, to hurt them… never!.. I have to protect them from me! Unless, as always, I’m too stupid to know what action of mine do hurt more. FFFFFFF!
Going away, would be like not allowing lovely couple to have friends outside them two? Can i be strong enough to still be friend to E… I should never say that loud, it’s none fault, but it hurts me too… not like I’m jealous of their relationship, I’m far from ready to make any own relationship, that’s not it, but it still hurts… all of that do hurt for last few days. Knowing they are happier that I ever could imagine for myself, how stupid fuacky friend I am, it hurts thinking I may abandon them in need and it hurts I may hurt them.

I’m lost… and still in joy, that two lovely transbians found each other <3 (Afaik they don’t comes Lemmy, hope it is ok to tell a that much of a story of someone else.)