Ah, actually, I phone called Mr. Trump last night and he explained everything to me bigly and very good, many people say the best explain, tremendous people.

The DOGE checks

DOGE checked, you were found unworthy (not billionaire enough)

tariff checks

Went to the people who paid the tariffs. Unfortunately they passed the original cost on to you, but will not be passing the checks on to you (see point 1).

The Greenland hospital boat

Became the Greenland illegal friendly helpful oil drilling operation.

10% APR on credit cards

The Trump family has 0% APR On their credit cards. You don’t? Weird, must not be worthy enough.

my meds being 1500% cheaper

Easy, just switch meds. Ivermectin treats alles.

$2 gas

It’ll be $2 soon actually (per liter, so you guys can stop using the imperial system). Also it already IS $2 per liter and more in Europe, so promise fulfilled actually.

the Epstein files

The Dow is over $50k, the Epstein files are currently not in existence. If the Dow falls enough, another country will need to be bombed helped against their oppressors.

reopening the Strait of Hormuz that was already open

Naw dog, that’s part of Trump’s new green new deal. Get everyone to stop using oil. It’s actually part #2 of the master plan, which started with Putin attacking Ukraine.

cheaper groceries

Trump provided them*! You just have to move to NYC.

ending wars in 24 hours

Not a problem: There are no wars, everything is a special military operation.

the “privately funded ballroom”

Funding is very private, you don’t know who’s getting all the money.

*by making everyone so miserable that people in NYC finally voted for a mayor that would serve their interests.